The love and support of your loved ones puts you on such a pedestal that sometimes it is too overwhelming to be the hero you're expected to be. When you're going through a really rough time in life, the support and love from people around you is just so important. At that time you have abundance of it. Sometimes after you've been through all there is that cancer throws at you, people have faith in you and expect from you that you have moved on just like they have.
But does it ever end for someone who has been there?
I am not being negative, but emotionally something like cancer does change you. You are the same person, but there are so many lessons learned and so many things endured that there is an extra room in your brain and heart that thinks more and feels more than it did before. I have always wondered if people who keep their suffering to themselves ever recover from the emotional aspect of it? I wish I could do that. I am sure that they are stronger than me.
I know that there is a part of me that was never there before. But that part of me is not the person who is strong and enduring. That person is very needy. It wants reassurance like everyone else and wants people to understand that.
After treatment and recovery and the numerous surgeries, I have poured my heart and I have given back more than I can to help and it makes me look like I am the strongest person post recovery. I will continue to give back and try my best to be a source of positivity and I love doing that. But I cannot always be the hero that is expected from me.I break down, I have nightmares, I look out for extra care and support, I have motion sickness, I over-think, I over-react, I get really anxious, I have a pounding heart and I still continue to live and play the part I have to. I do not ever think of people sympathizing with me, but sometimes I wish I'd get some extra time to soak in all that life had thrown at me and resurface when I have had some time to myself. I wish people could understand how vulnerable I was and how that changed me. I am never confrontational, Tears flow faster through my eyes than words come out of my mouth. I am irritating and over-emotional, even melodramatic. I explain myself in long emails and say extra "Thank-You"s and "Sorry"s. I am unable to rise and breakthrough at times.
But, I am stronger than a lot of people who cannot admit or express themselves like I can.
Life, Then and Now is never the same for anyone...
Note: My post is just a page in a Diary of a survivor and in no way do I intend to be negative for those going through hard times in life. I just want to share my thoughts. That, to worry and be needy is normal :)